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D8NIGHT - Trista's PL8STORY Podcast Plate 27 with Guest Laura M. Brotherson, LMFT, CST, CFLE - Part 2 of our Sex, Love and Marriage Series!

Jul 13, 2020

This week we meet Laura M. Brotherson, LMFT, CST, CFLE of Utah. Her plate, D8NIGHT, reflects her passion for building strong marriages and families as best selling author, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and Certified Sex Therapist (CST). Laura is the founder of The Marital Intimacy Institute with a mission to help couples create "sextraordinary" marriages. She counsels with individuals, couples and families in private practice (and online) and is passionate about helping couples navigate the intricacies of intimacy—specializing in healthy sexuality, sex therapy, and sex addiction. As a Certified Family Life Educator (CFLE), Laura is also actively engaged in providing marriage education through her podcast, “The Marital Intimacy Show” and as a regular contributor to newsletters, radio and television appearances, conferences, workshops and couples cruises. She and her husband, Kevin, have been married 29 years, have three grown children and are the founders of StrengtheningMarriage.com

Get Laura's book Knowing HER Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage for just $10 at StrengtheningMarriage.com website with code KNOWHER.

VIDEO

Valuable resources and ways to connect with Laura:

Book – Knowing HER Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage
Book – From Honeymoon to Happily Ever After: 23 Keys to Prepare for a Sextraordinary Marriage
Book – And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment
Handout - Knowing HER Intimately (OVERVIEW) – 12 Essential Ingredients for a Sextraordinary Marriage
Central Park - “Success Story” (here’s a link to that story about the lady finding my book in a NYC park)
Online Seminar - The Dating Divas – Online “Sex Seminar”
Women’s Workshop – “ Sexual Wholeness Workshop for Women ” (Sep 19, 2020 - Salt Lake City, Utah)
Website - StrengtheningMarriage.com
Website - MaritalIntimacyInstitute.com
Podcast – The Marital Intimacy Show
Social Media @StrengtheningMarriage - Instagram - Facebook

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TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE:

Trista, Host: [00:00:00] Welcome to this week's episode of Trista's PL8STORY Podcast. I'm Trista Polo from iwokeupawesome.com and I am your host.

Each week we learn the story behind that vanity plate. The one you saw driving down the road, what did it say? What did it mean? Why did they choose it? This week we meet Laura and Brotherson of Utah. Her plate, D8NIGHT reflects her passion for building strong marriages and families as bestselling author, licensed marriage and family therapist, and certified sex therapist.

Laura is the founder of the Marital Intimacy Institute with a mission to help couples create "sextraordinary" marriages. She counsels with individuals, couples, and families in private practice and online, and is passionate about helping couples navigate the intricacies of intimacy - specializing in healthy sexuality, sex therapy and sex addiction.

As a certified family life [00:01:00] educator (CFLE) , Laura is also actively engaged in providing marriage education through her podcast, the Marital Intimacy Show and as a regular contributor to newsletters, radio and television appearances, conferences, workshops, and couples cruises. She and her husband, Kevin had been married 29 years. They have three grown kids and are the founders of strengtheningmarriage.com.

Stay tuned till the end. Because Laura asks me about my favorite date night.

welcome to this episode of Trista plate story podcast. I have Laura Brotherson from Utah and her license plate. I spotted it on Instagram. I'm so excited to talk to you. Welcome Laura.

Laura, Guest: [00:01:45] Hello, so wonderful to be here.

Trista, Host: [00:01:47] Yay. So your license plate is D8NIGHT.

Laura, Guest: [00:01:51] Yes. My favorite thing in the world,

Trista, Host: [00:01:53] I bet you get a lot of people asking you about what your license plate means or why you chose it.

Laura, Guest: [00:01:58] Yeah. Thankfully [00:02:00] they can kind of understand fairly easily what it is. Not like your story where they didn't know what it was initially?

Trista, Host: [00:02:07] Exactly. So tell us the story behind D8NIGHT, your license plate.

Laura, Guest: [00:02:12] Okay. So it, it started with my husband wanting to buy a Corvette. And I'm like, honey, we do not need a Corvette. I mean, I was raised kind of a little more in the poor range. It was like, we do not need a Corvette. Oh my goodness. So, but then he said to Laura, I have the greatest idea for the license plate.

And I said, what, what are you talking about? And he's like, think about this. D8NIGHT And I was like, Oh my gosh, I am in love with that. Yes. I love that. I love that. so we got that first Corvette and of course I fell in love with it because a Corvette is like, Kind of a perfect description of my personality. Now I'm just like, okay, now I'm in love with Corvette.

I can't get rid of it. So we're now [00:03:00] three Corvettes later and two license plates later. So our first one was Idaho. Yep. And the one that I have now, because we've moved to Utah is now Utah D8NIGHT

Trista, Host: [00:03:12] Awesome. Is your husband in sales because he really knew his audience and he knew how to look like what's in it for you

Laura, Guest: [00:03:20] he's not in sales, but he did a very good sales job right there.

Trista, Host: [00:03:24] Now you love date night and there's a reason why, because that's something you teach people how to do really powerfully. So tell us about your background. What do you do for a living?

Laura, Guest: [00:03:34] Yeah, so a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a certified sex therapist, which is kind of rare.

In fact, when I lived in Idaho, I was the only certified sex therapist in the state. I think there's more now, but there's not very many of us around. And so I'm, so I'm a marriage counselor, a sex therapist, and I'm an author of three different books.

my first book "and they were not ashamed: strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment". My second [00:04:00] book "knowing her intimately: 12 keys for creating a sextraordinary marriage." That's my second favorite word after date night. And then my most recent one, which I just wrote this last December is "from honeymoon to happily ever after: 23 keys to prepare for a sex ordinary marriage."

Trista, Host: [00:04:18] I love it. You really know how to do a book title to make a person read a book. If the content is half as good as the title, those are gonna be real page Turners and real value for people. Wow so you're a sex therapist and a marriage and family therapist. And I agree with you. That's kind of rare to have a sex therapist. The only one I could think of is dr. Ruth, and now you.

Yeah.

Yeah. There's not many. Right.

What made you get into that line of work? What drew you to that specific, um, population of conversation?

Laura, Guest: [00:04:51] I always knew I was, I wanted to be a marriage counselor, so I had already got, I had already gotten my bachelor's degree in marriage and family science.

It's kind of a [00:05:00] precursor to marriage and family therapy. Then I raised my kids. I've got three kids, three adult kids now. And then I was teaching, um, kind of an evening course, kind of a community education course, um, an Institute class, uh, for strengthening marriage and about a third of the material was about sex.

And I was like, wow, I need to get this information into a format that more people have access to. So when they asked me to teach the class again, I was like, you know what? I think I need to write a book. So that's when I wrote my first book. Yeah. In 2004. Um, and they were not ashamed.

Um, and then after I wrote the book... I then went back and got my master's degree in marriage and family therapy. And basically it's almost like a second master's degree to become certified as a sex therapist because of all the additional training and supervision and stuff that you need to get certified. So, so then I did all that. Then I wrote my next two books and, um, I, [00:06:00] I love what I do.

I love helping people in any way in general, but I especially love helping people with something that is so important in marriage and such a taboo, difficult topic. People don't really want to talk about or a little bit. Gun shy to talk about. Cause it's such a taboo topic.

But for me it it's literally, like I say this to my clients a lot. I'll say for me, this work is like walking on the sacred ground of, of someone's soul. It's just so profound and powerful. What you do to transform somebody.

Trista, Host: [00:06:35] Can you say more about that, because that is not something I've ever heard said about sex.

Laura, Guest: [00:06:41] Yeah. You know, this is a great point because for a lot of people, sex and spirituality or godliness, don't go together.

That's kind of one of my main missions as kind of a Christian resource for people is that God's the one that created sex. Remember, God's the one that creates, [00:07:00] he's the one that thought up the whole whole idea. And it's his baby. This is what he likes. He wants people to fully enjoy and embrace this God given gift.

I mean, I talk about sex being God's wedding gift to husband and wife. And so I just, this is a really big, important concept about the sacredness of sex, but I don't want it to just be this, this, um, blah, we gotta be all reverence thing. It's also about passion. And so people just have a hard time marrying sex, spirituality, passion, goodness, godliness. And that's, that's a big part of what I try to do.

Trista, Host: [00:07:40] It's almost like a yin yang kind of conversation. Like they're there together, but separate, but together, but separate, it feels like.

Laura, Guest: [00:07:49] Yeah, for sure. And it's just super important to have both sides of that. And it's kind of like one of my, maybe another way to think of my mission is just shining a light back on sex [00:08:00] or taking sex out of the darkness and putting it back into God's light.

Those are some other concepts around what I'm, what I'm trying to do.

Trista, Host: [00:08:08] I love that. Now I have to ask, because I feel like this is a question that probably people are thinking it must be different to be married to a sex therapist. Right. So I need to ask how is that for your husband?

Laura, Guest: [00:08:23] Right. That's funny.

Okay. My first thought is thinking about the lady in our church. We'd go to church often on Sunday and this lady would come up to my husband and say, I know why you smile all the time. That was my first thought. My second thought is, um, when we were setting up the business, the strengthening marriage business, and, our tax guy was kind of talking us through it and I was like, okay, so if I'm the president of strengthening marriage, inc, which is our business, I was like, so what is my husband? Like, what's his title? And he's like, I'd say he's the [00:09:00] highly compensated research assistant. My husband dies every time I say that. So then I actually asked my husband, I said, so what, what would you say? what is it like being married to a sex therapist? And he's like, yeah, It's great. I was like, that's all you got? Two words for me?

Trista, Host: [00:09:17] That's a man answer.

Laura, Guest: [00:09:19] That's my husband, man. So the thing a lot of people ask me actually, even the most is, how is your husband with you going out and talking about sex everywhere?

Cause I do a lot of speaking engagements as well. And is, is he like, okay with that or what? And so I said, Kevin is my husband's name. I was like, what, what is your answer to that? And he says, he says, Hey. You know, you can say whatever you want, as long as it doesn't get back to me. I'm good.

So as long as he doesn't watch this, we're okay to say anything.

Trista, Host: [00:09:50] Okay. Okay, great. So just don't share it with them.

Laura, Guest: [00:09:52] people kind of worry about that even for my own husband, but I'm like, listen guys, I talk about sex all the time and I can't even think of a time [00:10:00] I ever had to talk about anything that remotely would have made my husband uncomfortable.

Never. Yeah. So it just, it's not as scary as people think it is.

Trista, Host: [00:10:10] That's good to know. That's good to know. Okay. Because I will tell you that I definitely have that taboo thing with, um, with the whole sex conversation. Sure. I'm not comfortable with it. I think it's kinda cool to have a sex therapist on my podcast.

I will be honest about that. Um, but the conversations of openly talking about my own sex life and like I'm a huge fan of the show friends and it always struck me as odd that they were all perfectly fine, like in the bedroom having sex when people were in the living room hanging out.

And to me, that was just like a nightmarish situation. Like I would never want somebody to know I was having sex. So like even just that level and it's on TV and that was 20 plus years ago, they were doing that. So I've always been [00:11:00] way, way more conservative than I, I guess the norm.

Laura, Guest: [00:11:04] You're not alone Trista you are so you're so not alone. I mean, in chapter one of my first book "and they were not ashamed," I talk about something called the good girl syndrome and it's kind of back to what we were talking about a little bit before, where, where we just haven't been able to integrate sexuality with goodness and okayness and well, and all of that. And so we just, we really just need to do a little bit of work to get those put back together. And that's a big part of what I do with counseling.

Trista, Host: [00:11:32] Yeah. I love that. Now you, um, when we spoke before this interview, you told me that you had something happened to you when you wrote the book that really affirmed that the information you were putting out was so important.

Can you share that story?

Laura, Guest: [00:11:45] Are you talking about the central park story? Okay. Yeah. Quite a few success stories that people have written in about, you know, but this one particular woman, this blew my mind.

This was way back when I first wrote this first book "and they were not ashamed", um, in 2004, [00:12:00] but she was from New York, which is what made me think of you. Cause you're from New York. And, she was in a park and I, and I'm not for sure. It didn't go back and check to see if it was central park, but that's my memory.

Um, but she was walking around the park. She sees this book on a bench and she was really curious about it, but she's like, Oh, that's not mine. So she's keeps walking around and comes back past it. And it's still there when she comes back quite a bit later. And so she goes over to, and she's like, well, nobody's probably coming back for it. So I'm going to grab it. She picks it up and it says, and they were not ashamed, which is from Genesis two 24, 25 in the Bible. She is the daughter of a preacher who has ultra negative conditioning about sex, kind of like what you're talking about, but maybe even more so.

And, um, she just is kind of blown away by strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. but she takes the book home. She reads most of it the first night she gets home from work. The next night reads the rest of the [00:13:00] book straight through. Her husband's gone for a couple of days when he gets home she is completely transformed. She meets him at the door. She basically rips his clothes off. He is freaking out going, who are you? What have you done with my wife. And she is just, and she's, she explains a little bit, little bit. I mean, I think they ended up getting in the shower together, which he had never done before.

And just all of these really amazing things for her that she, she just was like, it just washed away all of that negative conditioning, that negative guilt shame that I had attached to sexuality. And, and she says, you know, Oh, and this was her third marriage. All of her marriages had failed because of sexlessness and, you know, not being able to be that sexually.

And, and it was just, it was just. Powerful. I'll give you the link so people can read it for

Trista, Host: [00:13:54] them. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to include that because I think that the success stories are [00:14:00] such an important piece of the conversation since this is so taboo, to be able to see how it has helped other people to really open up and get support.

Now, in addition to your books, you also work with clients individually as well, right? Or as couples.

Laura, Guest: [00:14:15] Yup. Mostly couples, some individuals, some families, but mostly couples. Yup.

Trista, Host: [00:14:20] And what would you say are some of the most common complaints that people have? You mentioned sexlessness, I'm sure that probably is one after many, many years of marriage, but what kinds of things do people struggle with typically in the sex and marriage and intimacy conversation?

Laura, Guest: [00:14:36] Yeah, I think the number one issues for, for couples in that area are, is, is almost always desire discrepancies. So you tend to have our stereotypical couples, which is about 80% of our couples. So that still means there's a lot of opposite of stereotype, but our stereotype is higher desire husbands, lower desire wives.

And so that working through that [00:15:00] discrepancy is kind of our biggest deal. And so what that, what that then also means is that our biggest issues for couples is men trying to kind of work on what I call sexual self-mastery you know, mastery of that strong God given sex drive for men. We do not want to demonize that. Um, but then women often have not - and this is what the research tells us - that women tend to have what we would call an asexual view of self. So, if you think about what that means is we might have, in fact, this is in my, I'll just show you because it's a little easier to see for those that watched the video, but, you know, there's, there's, there's different parts of self.

Okay. There's physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual. Okay. This sexual part of self is the one part that women don't tend to own, embrace, do much about, other than act on it when it [00:16:00] shows up. Right. Whereas what I think God is wanting is something that I would call sexual wholeness. And that's where women are actually embracing, owning, developing, enjoying, tuning into their sexual self so that they are both sexually whole so that they can connect and create a sexually whole marriage relationship.

Does that make sense?

Trista, Host: [00:16:26] It does. And you know, it's that whole men are from Mars women from Venus. Like we show up differently in different ways to the same conversation. It can really create a disconnect and because the sex conversations are so taboo, nobody ever taught me how to talk about sex,

Laura, Guest: [00:16:43] right?

Nobody does. And, and the problem is Trista, when, when good, normal, healthy confident, intelligent people like you and me cannot talk about sex in any kind of a public forum, we perpetuate this taboo nature of sex and we make it [00:17:00] impossible for couples to have a good sexual relationship because it's, yeah, it's one thing to have sex...it's a whole different animal to actually be able to be open about it and talk about it.

I had a client just last week. She came in first before her husband and she's just like, we don't talk well outside the bedroom type stuff, but we especially don't talk well about bedroom type stuff.

And so she had him join in this last week and just, just trying to normalize the topic a little bit. That's why I love one of our radio stations or TV stations here in Utah, KSL. They have me on almost every month to do a little segment about sex. I mean, hello in conservative, Utah, I get to talk about sex.

I mean, my podcast I'll start with, "we get to talk about sex today. How fun is that?" You know but by having just a respectable adult on public television, talking about it [00:18:00] very confidently, very comfortably. We spread that out to everyone else, hoping that they can get a little piece of that until we can all get a little more normalized about the topic.

Trista, Host: [00:18:12] Yeah. a lot of what you're saying is really resonating with me. If one of you wants to explore and discuss and create communication around it. And the other one of you is uncomfortable and it's the man or woman. It could be either one,

Laura, Guest: [00:18:25] Either one.

Trista, Host: [00:18:26] How does that person who wants to bridge that gap? So the other person doesn't feel uncomfortable. Unwilling. Resistant, you know, how do you, how do you do that?

Laura, Guest: [00:18:38] That's an awesome question, Trista. That is a huge part of what I teach. There's another book. That's a favorite of mine. It's called "loving what is", and it just teaches this concept that I talk about. And I've got a handout on my counseling website called Spiritual Surrender. And it's just a concept of when you work on yourself, and you don't need the other person to [00:19:00] change, then anything you do to change yourself, they get a piece of almost through osmosis. That's why I love being a marriage counselor, because I'm a systems theorist, I think in systemic relationship ways. And what that means is I know that if I only can change even one person, I can change the whole relationship.

Yeah. And so for me, I don't need both pieces. I just need one of you. I just need one of you to change the air about this topic, to make it a little bit more accessible. I mean, think about it. Let's say it's you Trista and you just get a lot more comfortable and confident with this subject instead of being all maybe weird and kind of taboo-ish before you might be a lot more playful.

One of the characteristics that I encourage is flirtiness for women because you bring in that playfulness. It's a lot harder to resist playfulness because playfulness has an element of, I'm just being cute and fun with you, but I don't need anything from you. And when you don't mess with someone else's [00:20:00] agency where you don't have that backstory that said, you need to change something then than any approach you take is going to be positive and, helpful and, and very respectful of their agency still. So that's how one person can change both people.

Trista, Host: [00:20:17] I love that you're saying that because I actually have experienced that in other areas of my marriage. Um, I took it course on communication and I really, really wanted him to take the course too.

And he did, but he didn't get a lot out of it. And it actually turned him against a lot of what I was learning and so I decided rather than try and force him to take the journey with me, I started just really becoming a student of the distinctions and lessons I was learning.

Laura, Guest: [00:20:45] Love it

Trista, Host: [00:20:46] owning them myself and magically he started to shift too, even though he'll probably tell you, he didn't do an absolute thing..it's Like that shift.

[00:21:00] Laura, Guest: [00:20:59] Yeah, it is exactly what I call surrender. My simplified version of that, I totally believe that he's going to love any learning about this. Totally don't need him to, and he will step into it.

It's it's, it's a magical concept that makes no sense. Totally paradoxical, but it works. It just works. It works. I have so many examples of that.\

Trista, Host: [00:21:20] I love that. I think that's really great. Now we talked really briefly about, um, like a sexless marriage and I bring this up because, you know, I think it's really common. I think it's more common than people realize. I think you can tell me if I'm right about that

Laura, Guest: [00:21:37] research agrees.

Trista, Host: [00:21:38] Almost like you become friends in marriage as opposed to lovers and friends. What are your thoughts on that? Because, you know, it's a wonderful thing to be married for a long time.

Laura, Guest: [00:21:49] Yep.

Trista, Host: [00:21:50] But keeping the spark is a challenge and I think that doesn't happen by accident.

Laura, Guest: [00:21:54] Yeah, that's a great question too. Um, I think, I mean, I'll, I'll talk in terms [00:22:00] almost as if they're clients, obviously, if they were kind of a client situation, actually they may not even be coming to me because they don't want to change anything. If people are okay with their sexless marriage, I'm more than happy to let them have that. That's fine. Um, I don't think it's what God intended for marriage. I think marriage is a divine polishing process that requires both of us in a marriage to have to stretch and grow and become whole, I think God is all about wholeness and completeness, perfection, but that's got more negative connotations to it.

Um, so I think that if either one of them find me, come to me, get any of my words, materials, one of them can start to make that difference and they don't have to be in a sexless marriage. I mean, part of my, part of my education in graduate school, I'm just thinking about, about aging and sex and, you know, the healthier couples are still sexual, even as they get older.

For example. So even age doesn't have to [00:23:00] be sexless. You might have to get a little more creative with your, your lovemaking and stuff like that, but that's fine. So it doesn't have to be, it can be changed. We've talked about it being one person that can change it and you know, it's very doable.

Trista, Host: [00:23:16] Yeah, that makes sense.

And I love what you're saying, the healthier you stay, the more whole you are health wise and spiritually. I think that probably makes a huge difference for sure.

Laura, Guest: [00:23:27] Yeah, for sure. For sure.

Trista, Host: [00:23:29] Now let's go to the other side of the spectrum, which is newlyweds. So newlyweds. Oftentimes, I think they're waiting longer to get married these days, so they're probably a little more experienced. It's less about what your parents told you to expect and you're walking in an unknown, but I think newlyweds, um, it changes when you get married from when you weren't. Yeah, we dated and then we lived together and then we got married and it changed.

I don't know why or how, but it did. So what, what do you have to keep the [00:24:00] spark and the spice once you've said I do.

Laura, Guest: [00:24:04] I'm just thinking of all the guys in particular, they're like, what's up with the bait and switch in marriage, you know, interested in, so, you know, affectionate and it's like it just dies.

And then of course it gets even tougher when you've got kids, but right. That's kind of why I wrote this book " from honeymoon to happily ever after". It's three parts, first part is about preparing for marriage.

And then the second part is before or after marriage. And then all this section at the end is everything that people run into after marriage, because yeah, keeping that spark alive is a really, is a really tough issue for them. I think some of the things, especially that newlyweds need to do , I think a lot of these things that we've talked about, kind of these four main things, you've got to develop a healthy mindset about sex, even if people have had sex before that doesn't mean they have a good, healthy mindset about sex.

In fact, a lot of times they've developed a lot of negative experiences with sex, right. And so, you know, you know, they got to learn [00:25:00] about it. They've got to change that mindset. They've got to get educated about sex because people think they know about sex, but they don't. I mean, for heaven sakes, people gave me so much crap for writing an almost 400 page book the first time.

And then I've got two more of them and they're like, what the heck is there to say about sex. What's there to know. And I'm like, Oh no, there's a lot to know. And if you're asking, you especially need to read my books, but, but so by getting educated, that's where people start to get a little bit more comfort, a little bit more confidence about the topic so that they can now talk about it.

Okay. So all of that's kind of the foundation to create a healthy sexual relationship, to be honest. Then when we're in marriage, now it goes back to my license plate because the license plate is one of the number one ways to stay connected and keep the spark alive. Is that date night... because the other reason why I love date night is not only because it's my favorite night of the week.

It's my favorite thing of everything, but it's [00:26:00] also great "emotional foreplay" is the term that I created to kind of help men understand that while they might have testosterone to motivate them, to want to be intimate, women kind of need that emotional testosterone, um, to want to be intimate and date night, just, you know, sets the foundation for that so beautifully to move into lovemaking if that's what happens on date night for people. So, so date night is probably my number one thing for keeping the spark alive.

I did a, uh, a TV interview recently on KSL about these longer term marriages that you got to keep that spark alive. It is so painful when I hear marriages after 20, 30 years, even, that they get divorced. And, and a lot of that is because we don't keep it alive. We don't keep it fresh and new and exciting. And that's date night and lovemaking and an another one that, that is kind of my top three things to keep the spark live is, [00:27:00] is people doing my love language worksheet?

It's based on Gary Chapman, five love languages that everyone has heard about, but, um, just a husband and wife writing out the top 10 things that make them feel loved. I feel loved when you send me a text and tell me you love me. I feel loved when you do the dishes without me asking, I feel loved when you go for a walk with me.

If people don't know those specific behaviors that make each other feel loved, then you're going to lose out. I mean, the biggest thing about date night - about having that as my license plate - is that more marriages die of neglect than of anything else. So that you can see why as a marriage counselor and a sex therapist, date night is going to be on my license plate.

You know what I mean?

Trista, Host: [00:27:44] For sure. You're so right. And I have to say, I love the love languages. I think that there's such a window into how someone feels acknowledgement and acceptance, but I have to admit until recently, I struggled with having a very [00:28:00] low self esteem, a low self worth. And so I would joke mostly to myself. Um, I would joke to myself that I have all the love languages. I need to be touched. I need to be spoken to nicely. I need to be spent time with, I need to get gifts, but it was really because I didn't love myself.

So I needed that outward reinforcement to prove that somebody loved me. And so I think that when you're talking about all of this has to do with couples, but it does start with you, which we've been talking about. And that just kind of underlines that.

Laura, Guest: [00:28:35] Oh, I love that Trista. So that, that's totally why I think we'll talk about this in a second, but, but it's why I'm doing this.

The sexual wholeness workshop for women coming up in September here in Utah is this first one, because we forget this concept of wholeness. We're looking for wholeness. And part of that wholeness is you've got to tune in to yourself and create wholeness and differentiation and [00:29:00] completeness as a person so that you can connect.

As a whole person with another person, it's like, I use this analogy: it's like to have two half people come together in marriage cause they feel like, you know what Tom cruise says in some movie you complete me, you know? So you come together. Yeah. You've got these two half people kind of these strengths and these weaknesses and vice versa.

But in marriage, what God is designing is for these two half people to become two whole people. And that's why he talks about, then you can become one as a whole person and Kevin isn't a whole person, it's a lot harder to create a healthy marriage and a healthy sexual relationship because a big part of healthy sexuality is being able to, to challenge yourself and confront yourself and, um, endure discomfort.

And all of those are skills that not all of us have down, which is why I'm a huge fan of therapy, because I [00:30:00] think everybody can benefit in some way from some kind of counseling.

Trista, Host: [00:30:04] Yeah. Um, I was going to say something. Um, Oh, so it's sort of like, if you're trying to put a puzzle together and it's missing some pieces, if you're both coming together with all of your brokenness and trying to fix your brokenness or fill in the gaps with the other person.

Laura, Guest: [00:30:23] Yeah. And we all have some brokenness, so I want to make sure we, we kind of de shame that because everybody's got crap. I mean, they just do you're, you're human. We're raised by imperfect parents that all mess us up to some degree or another. Then we go out into our society and then people mess us up there too.

And so, you know, we all have some stuff to clean up.

Trista, Host: [00:30:43] I want to point to something and dig a little deeper with that. You bring your past into every conversation, every relationship certainly into your sex life.

Right? So there are so many people. We just recently had mental health awareness month. So there were so many [00:31:00] summits with people telling their stories of their past and you know, how they were abused or, you know, taken advantage of sexually, et cetera. There's a lot more of that than we certainly discuss.

So when people are bringing that into a relationship that definitely takes its toll. Um, so how do you help support that? Well, actually I think the question I want to ask is how does someone bring themselves to get to a point where they can actually seek out the support from you to transform it?

Laura, Guest: [00:31:34] I think the simplest to answer to your question is that's kind of a God thing in my mind. There's something about, I don't know, I'm just having this thought here, but, you know, I think God had a hand in you finding me, you know, to be honest. And I think God works like that, where he brings people... I mean, people are going to now listen to this podcast and learn about these resources and have a, a feeling in their heart.

Like I need to [00:32:00] work on that. And then they're going to start working on that. Um, it's not really something anyone can make. So let's say it was you and your husband was all weird about sex and you're wishing he would work on it. You know, all you can do is kind of be loving and maybe do some work in that area yourself and just create kind of the safe environment.

But, but. People have to choose for themselves to do the work. almost every couple that comes in my office, one of them wants to be there and the other one kind of doesn't

Trista, Host: [00:32:29] or really doesn't,

Laura, Guest: [00:32:30] or really doesn't was dragged in here, you know, with a rope.

So, I mean, you're always working with that dynamic, but I just think that God has a really great way of just putting the right stuff in your life and you getting to this stuff when you need to get to this stuff. And I work with a lot of sexual abuse stuff as well, but so much of the same work is done by the rest of us women that maybe don't have that initial sexual abuse stuff, because think about it, [00:33:00] Trista, just watching our news. You have vicarious sexual abuse happening. So, I mean, you just experienced some of this stuff just by watching, just by being in society.

So it's just a matter of finding somebody you can trust that can walk with you through this journey of figuring out what you need to work on. And, cleaning out because almost step one for most women that walk in my office that want to work on their sexuality is I give them step one of cleaning out the sexual sludge that's in our brain.

Our mind is the number one sex organ. Sex starts in the mind. All of us, but especially women have got to at least start by... I say go home, write down 50 full sentences. Number one, I hate sex because of this number two, I hate that this happened to me. Number three, I hate that my husband always does this; number four... and I want 15 minimum because I want them to dig into those corners and clean out that sludge . And that's just step one [00:34:00] for people that they can then start to move into having more of a healthy relationship with their sexuality, and then have healthy relationship with their spouse.

Trista, Host: [00:34:11] Yeah, I agree. It starts, it has to start with you. I mean, that's, I think a theme that's running through this conversation.

Yeah. Um, I have to ask , I think back to the whole Hillary and Bill Clinton thing, and that was a conversation granted a while ago, but you know, there are always judgements.

Like she should leave. He should leave, she should stay the kids involved. I'm just curious from a sex therapist standpoint, what your thoughts are on that?

Yeah, that's a great question too. this is maybe some good insight for your listeners, but as a Marriage and family therapists, we're trained to think about relationships.

So if you go see a marriage counselor, we're trained to almost be marriage friendly therapist. If you think about it that way, if you go see a mental health counselor [00:35:00] or a psychologist or a social worker, they're more trained to think about the individual. So you're going to get a very different kind of approach to get counseling.

Laura, Guest: [00:35:09] So if I'm just thinking about you and what you want or need, or if I'm just thinking about Hillary Clinton and what she wants and needs, then that's going to be a very different conversation than if I'm coming in Trista with your marriage , as my primary client, and you and your husband as my secondary clients, because I'm, I personally, as a marriage friendly therapist and you definitely want to check that out before you go see anybody for marriage work, because a lot of marriage counselors can actually help you right out of your marriage.

And that might not have been what you wanted. So, um, for me, I'm always, I'm always advocating or are shooting for improving and helping the marriage until one of the clients says I'm done, then I help them out. But I'm, I'm always going to go to bat for their marriage. Cause that's what I assume they're there for.

[00:36:00] Unless they say, Hey, I'm getting divorced. I'm already decided - can you help us do this better? Then I'm like, you bet. Great. We can do that. So, and in their case specifically, I've got, I've got at least three clients just off the top of my head that are in very very difficult marriages with very, these happened to be three women.

Um, very difficult husbands, a lot of narcissism, a lot of addiction, a lot of just treating them so horribly. I probably wouldn't ever put up with it, but I'm, I'm not a 20% of her wife. I'm an 80% or wife, and that's a different personality type. I won't get into that, but they, all, three of them are like, Laura, I do not want to divorce them.

They've been married 20, 30 plus years. They're like, I don't want to divorce him, but you got to help me function because I'm exhausted. I'm losing it. I, I don't want to divorce him, but I can't do this. And I'm like, okay, let's do this. Let's figure it out. Yeah.

Trista, Host: [00:36:55] And I think that the lesson that I take from it as an outsider looking in [00:37:00] is I don't get to decide what's best for those women.

Laura, Guest: [00:37:03] Nope. Yep. For sure.

Trista, Host: [00:37:05] Like it's between them and their therapist, but I do love, I, it, I never heard this before for where, um, certain types of therapists are going to put the marriage first, others put the individual first. That's such a helpful distinction. If you are looking for counseling or therapy in a couple or marriage type of environment.

That's a huge thing to know going in.

Laura, Guest: [00:37:29] A lot of people don't hear that. You're right.

Trista, Host: [00:37:33] That's really helpful. And so glad I asked that question.

Laura, Guest: [00:37:35] Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And your comment just made me think of something that, you know, a lot of times people are a little bit gun shy to even go get counseling. And, and the thing that people don't realize that counseling really is quite simple. It's really not that scary.

I mean, one of my cute clients quite a while ago, she says, Laura, I wish people understood that counseling is really great and counseling with you is so awesome and easy and [00:38:00] not scary. And she says, I literally feel like Laura, I'm just talking to my girlfriend every session and I know not all, not everybody is same and I get that.

But for me personally, my clients know, I care about them. They know I'm going to bat for them. I tell them all the time. I said, I'll fight as hard as you will. I won't fight harder than you will, but I will fight right beside you until you don't want to, you know, and they know I'm going to help them succeed.

I'm going to help them win here.

Trista, Host: [00:38:27] I love that. That's really wonderful. Um, we have to spend a moment on people who have not yet found the perfect spouse or partner, any advice for that group of people?

Laura, Guest: [00:38:38] Yeah. That's a great question. I wish I could get out and talk more about this, but, and it's sort of what I talked about Trista, but the more you can get your own crap together, two things happen.

Number one, you attract a very different kind of person. That's number one. So if you're attracting a bunch of crappy people [00:39:00] that you're dating a bunch of crappy people look in the mirror because there is something to this law of attraction. I really do believe that. So you've got to kind of look. So the best thing single people can do is work on their stuff, get their crap together, get as healthy as they can because they'll attract a better partner. And then number two, they get to start out marriage so much better than the rest of us, you know, who really had to struggle potentially. And I mean, that's just the ideal, you know, not everyone will do that, but that would be the ideal.

Trista, Host: [00:39:33] Makes me think you should not should, but it would be a good plan if you're in that position to work toward being the best possible spouse you can be before you are a spouse.

Laura, Guest: [00:39:46] You got it.

Trista, Host: [00:39:48] Yeah, I love it. That's good stuff. So we didn't talk too much about it. I want to hear a little more detail. Tell me about the sexual wholeness workshop for women in September.

Laura, Guest: [00:39:58] Sure. Yeah. I mean, [00:40:00] it's kind of based on this, "knowing her intimately", book because this is, this is the book that just walks people through in case they wouldn't ever go see a sex therapist.

I wanted to make it really simple for people walk through. These are 12 T's, 12 areas, you know, treats, uh, technique, uh, thoughts, um, A touch talk time. These are all these areas that if they're all the areas of sexual wholeness. So we're just going to go in more depth for women who want to embrace, own, develop their sexual wholeness and transform their sexual self and their whole self, and then transform their sexual relationship in their marriages.

And this one in salt Lake city, Utah on Saturday, September 19th, and people can find out about it on my website, strengtheningmarriage.com. So awesome for people. It's just easier for women to come together and to kind of de shame the whole topic because you see that a bunch of other [00:41:00] people, you know, when people are just reading a book, they kind of feel still alone, still a little isolated, like they're the only ones that are broken or don't work right. and it's not true, you know? And so that, that's why I decided to start doing in these bigger group environments. And I'm also working on doing it for an online course as well, just so that we can reach even more people and be able to have some help with that as well.

Trista, Host: [00:41:23] I love all of the stuff that you're covering and I'm so appreciative that you're out there training people in these conversations. so is there any, anything else you want us to know? Anything we missed that you think is really important to include?

Laura, Guest: [00:41:37] I think one of my comments about date night, that I maybe haven't said yet is, date night is not optional for people who want to have a close and connected marriage. So that's kind of another reason why date night is my license plate. That's kind of a big deal.

Uh, maybe another thing I could say is I have a lot of really good resources for the public on my counseling website, which is [00:42:00] maritalintimacyInstitute.com. And so on that my resource page, I think I have over 170 things, like even what we were talking about, even if people were to just sit down and do that, that process writing, I've got a process writing worksheets.

Um, and to be honest, maybe the one thing to leave people with that they could immediately do that would make the biggest difference. If they simply got this book "knowing her intimately" on audio. And played it in the background of their life. You don't even need to pay attention to it, turn it on for five minutes instead of the radio, turn it on for five minutes while you're driving.

Turn it on for five minutes while you're getting ready. Just get this kind of healthier, sexually affirming information into your brain and education. And that alone will just start to change things with you without you doing anything but pressing play.

Trista, Host: [00:42:53] Awesome. I love it. So I like to turn the tables and give you an opportunity to ask me a question. Do you have one question for me [00:43:00] before we wrap up?

Laura, Guest: [00:43:01] Trista. That is a very dangerous thing to give to a sex therapist.

Trista, Host: [00:43:05] Can I take it back? Can I take it back,

Laura, Guest: [00:43:07] I already told you that I would never ask you anything scary.

Um, but that is a dangerous question. I just want you to know that

I wasn't even, I didn't even go there. It's just what I do at the end. You know, I know

I knew I get you, but actually the thought, the question that I would have for you is what would you say is maybe one of your favorites? Or the things that you would most like to do on your date night, your favorite date night ideas.

What have you liked the most? Or what would you like the most?

Trista, Host: [00:43:41] That's a great question. So I'll tell you, because we've both been home for months and we're eating out we're eating meals together a lot. I would say my favorite over the last couple of months has been when we either make dinner [00:44:00] together or when he makes dinner.

Laura, Guest: [00:44:03] I love that one.

Trista, Host: [00:44:04] Yeah. So like last night we had this tuna that had thawed. We had to eat it. Um, but I think I was still working. And so he was going to make dinner and I was just sort of his sous chef. I'm like, well, you need this. Here's all the ingredients, you know? And he made dinner and it was delicious ...so good. So that's one of my favorites and definitely his love language is giving gifts, but the gifts are usually food related. So it was also a perfect way for him to express love. I love when we take walks. Yeah. You know, in nature with our dog as well when she can come along. Um, I always, I, I mean, this is maybe a no-no, but I always do like when our dog comes along on our date nights, because, you know, I don't know.

Is that, is that a problem?

Laura, Guest: [00:44:53] That's so funny. One of my Instagram posts - I post on about date night every single Friday night on my [00:45:00] Instagram- but my post was date night is not family nights.

Trista, Host: [00:45:04] Yeah.

Laura, Guest: [00:45:07] You have just couple time and not just always have their, their kids as part of it. Cause sometimes don't do that, but somebody was really cute. They posted a comment and they said, Is it okay if my dog comes and I've had clients where they say Laura, my, our dog gets way more love and affection than I get.

So that's when I start to have a little bit of a challenge with it.

Trista, Host: [00:45:28] Yeah. That makes sense. That makes sense.

Laura, Guest: [00:45:31] Definitely want to love our spouse more than our dog, if we can.

Trista, Host: [00:45:35] I'll work on it

Laura, Guest: [00:45:36] TRISTA...

Trista, Host: [00:45:37] Anyone who knows me, knows that, um, my relationships that I have with friends, for sure, a lot of times I have a better relationship with their dog.

Laura, Guest: [00:45:51] Trista you tell your husband that he owes me for that free marriage counseling right there to help you love him more than you love your dog.

Trista, Host: [00:45:59] I'm going to [00:46:00] work on it. I'm going to work on. Awesome.

Laura, Guest: [00:46:02] You're awesome. Super

Trista, Host: [00:46:04] awesome. Gosh, I have had so much fun getting to know you and the work you're doing, and I really acknowledge you for everything that you're doing to transform, not just the bedroom. Cause I think that's what people think of when they hear sex therapist, but the relationships and the intimacy that we have with the people that we choose to walk through life with. I mean, there couldn't be a bigger gift, I think. So. Thank you for it.

Laura, Guest: [00:46:30] Oh, I'm so thrilled to be here. I'm so, so grateful that you found me. Yay

Trista, Host: [00:46:34] me too. All because of a license plate

Laura, Guest: [00:46:37] because of the plate story. Look at how magical that plate story.

Trista, Host: [00:46:42] Totally, totally. And we're going to check out your podcast as well. So I'm going to have links to everything that we talked about today in the show notes.

So people can find you, they can access your resources. And I'm definitely starting with that book, I think is a great place to start, it [00:47:00] sounds like.

Laura, Guest: [00:47:00] Yup. Sounds good.

Trista, Host: [00:47:02] Awesome. Thank you so much.

Laura, Guest: [00:47:04] It's been awesome, Trista. Thank you. And tell your husband thank you for being a good sport.

Trista, Host: [00:47:07] I totally will

Laura, Guest: [00:47:10] hopefully it wasn't too scary for him.

Trista, Host: [00:47:12] he hasn't come in here once and made any faces, so I think we did okay.

Laura, Guest: [00:47:17] That's awesome.

Trista, Host: [00:47:18] See

Laura, Guest: [00:47:19] you later.

Trista, Host: [00:47:22] Bye.

Thank you for joining us for this week's episode of Trista's PL8STORY podcast. Please subscribe to Trista's PL8STORY podcast to get the story behind all those vanity plates, driving with you on the road. And if you would like to nominate the owner of a license plate, including you... Or visit any of our partners and sponsors come and see us www.pl8story.com. That's P L number eight story.com and give us the details.

If you enjoyed this episode, please drop a review and give us a share. I'm Trista polo wishing you [00:48:00] well on the road to your next adventure.

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